There are so many amazing opportunities now that we’ve unleashed the potential of British business.
For example, swimmers have been warned about raw sewage being pumped into the sea at 50 British beaches.
Now, instead of travel brochures showing those dated and dull pictures of clear blue sea around Devon and Cornwall, they can be artistic and show an interesting variety of shades of brown, enhancing our sense of colour.
And in the future, if there’s an Olympic event of 200 metres butterfly through used tampons, we’ll be strong favourites as we’ve had so much practice.
When we were in the EU, if you tried tipping a city’s poo into a tourist area, some busybody would be along with a clipboard, insisting you scooped it up into a bag like a dog-owner.
But now we’ve won back our liberty. One water executive responded to this news by saying: “It’s up to the public to decide whether they should swim in the sea.” Because at last we’ve been given a choice.
This is the choice we were promised when the water companies were privatised over 30 years ago.
When they were publicly owned, you had no choice but to swim in a boring sea, that was just wet all over. But now you can either carry on in a sea that’s old-fashioned, or you can choose a more interesting one with islands of mucky toilet paper floating through it.
Katy Taylor, of Scottish Water, reassured us by saying it was up to the public to decide whether it’s safe, hinting we shouldn’t worry because the sea is “95% rainwater”.
And surely none of us is so fussy that we’re going to worry about a sea that’s only 5% human waste.
I’m sure Ms Taylor would have the same attitude if you were round her house, and instead of going to the toilet you went on the settee. “I shan’t worry about that”, she’d say, “as 98% of the living room is still perfectly clean.”
Environmental Agency chief of staff John Leyland spoke for common sense when he said: “Britain’s rivers are not for swimming, they’re for fish.”
That’s the sort of person we want in charge of the environment.
If we can’t go in the water without catching the plague, that’s our fault for wanting to muck about with nature by wanting to swim in the first place.
After all, in the 16th century we could chuck our waste on to the street, and back then Britain was strong, regularly beating the Spanish in wars.
But since then we’ve brought in our weedy laws about not tipping urine on people’s heads and that’s why we get pushed around by Russia.
In any case, bonuses to water company executives have gone up 20% in the last year, so they must be doing a good job.
Perhaps one irony is that so much sewage will be pumped into the Channel. Eventually it will form a bridge that connects us to our friends in Europe more strongly than ever before.